When nothing feels like enough

by graceelena on September 2, 2014

I can’t breathe. Not properly. My chest feels weighted down. My breaths are shallow and uneven.

I dream of terrible things and wake up crying or shouting.

Nothing feels like enough. The world is too big and I am too small. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I feel like I’m disappearing. I’m letting myself disappear.

I’ve been sitting outside in the sun as long as I can. It is the only thing that brings me comfort.

The sun beating down on my skin. Wrapping me up in the warmest, tightest embrace.

I know I have to keep going, keep trying, keep speaking, keep listening but sometimes I feel useless and weak and I just cry.

It is not weeping. It is not soft. It is a loud guttural cry. A cry that has been contained for too long.

Nothing feels right. Nothing except the sun. So I sit outside until my clothes stick to me. Until I almost burn.


What the heck, I guess I’ll write more.

by graceelena on June 19, 2014

Something screwy is going on. For the last two weeks wordpress has randomly been making draft blog posts live on my blog. Today hundreds of people visited my site to read a post that I never intended anyone to read.

At first I thought I had posted it and just forgot. I praised myself for being a far better writer than I was three years ago but then I noticed the date. It was posted today. And two other posts were up! It’s embarrassing. Writing that I decided was too personal to share or just not interesting enough.

It’s probably mercury being in retrograde, right?

Or it could be someone hacking my site?

Either way I’ll take it as a sign I should be writing more.

I have written a few things I am proud of but have not had the guts to share yet. Maybe you’ll see those pieces in the coming weeks.

For now, thank you for visiting my site. If you are visiting from Above the Law and want to read about crying in law school, read this.

As for you loyal readers, I’ll be back with more soon!



To begin again

June 12, 2014

Here’s to a month of adventure. To timing my only three jokes just right. To nights filled with laughter. To creativity and color. To hugs from my mother. To Mexican food that makes me cry with happiness. To friends that know when to tell the truth. To hot coffee in cold offices. To a father […]

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Recycling the Recycling

May 9, 2014

On a chilly April afternoon I came home to four large trash and recycling bins blocking my entrance. My landlord stood looking at the bins. “We don’t need this many.” he said. Not even close. “The good news is they left these “take me” stickers to affix to the ones we don’t want.” Problem solved. The […]

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An update.

March 13, 2014

This space has been a bit neglected. The last few months have been challenging. Studying for the bar exam is not fun. It’s even worse the second time. The stress and worry was a million times greater. A dear friend of mine told me that my regular crying this time means I will pass. Let’s hope […]

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Security Blankets

January 17, 2014

When I studied for the bar last summer I wore a jean jacket every day. Every single day. I even wore it to the exam. It was my security blanket. This time around it’s winter and I am in DC. It’s too cold for a jean jacket. Instead I am begrudgingly bundled in tights, scarves, […]

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January 8, 2014

Last November a dear friend called me moments before I was to receive bar results. We tend to miss each other so I answered intending to tell her I’d call her back. But before I could say a word she began talking. “Grace. I love you. You are amazing. No matter what happens with the […]

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“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill

December 6, 2013

No one wants to write about failing the bar exam. This is supposed to be a photo of my name and the words “this name appears on the pass list.” It is supposed to be a long list of thanks. It is supposed to be a video of me crying and laughing as I see […]

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Kitchen Disasters: Why Messes are Important

November 19, 2013

Have I ever told you about my love of food disasters? Like the time I was making frosting for a friends birthday cake. I tossed the butter and cocoa into the kitchen aid mixer and turned it on high. A cloud of cocoa powder immediately erupted all over me, the counter, and the guy standing […]

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The Greatest Love of All

November 15, 2013

I love this season of How I Met Your Mother. Sure, some of the jokes are tired and I roll my eyes every time Lily says, “Thanks, Linus” while still being able to function, but I still love it. For one, we have met Ted’s future wife. She is adorable, quirky, and exactly what I […]

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