I can’t breathe. Not properly. My chest feels weighted down. My breaths are shallow and uneven.
I dream of terrible things and wake up crying or shouting.
Nothing feels like enough. The world is too big and I am too small. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I feel like I’m disappearing. I’m letting myself disappear.
I’ve been sitting outside in the sun as long as I can. It is the only thing that brings me comfort.
The sun beating down on my skin. Wrapping me up in the warmest, tightest embrace.
I know I have to keep going, keep trying, keep speaking, keep listening but sometimes I feel useless and weak and I just cry.
It is not weeping. It is not soft. It is a loud guttural cry. A cry that has been contained for too long.
Nothing feels right. Nothing except the sun. So I sit outside until my clothes stick to me. Until I almost burn.
Something screwy is going on. For the last two weeks wordpress has randomly been making draft blog posts live on my blog. Today hundreds of people visited my site to read a post that I never intended anyone to read.
At first I thought I had posted it and just forgot. I praised myself for being a far better writer than I was three years ago but then I noticed the date. It was posted today. And two other posts were up! It’s embarrassing. Writing that I decided was too personal to share or just not interesting enough.
It’s probably mercury being in retrograde, right?
Or it could be someone hacking my site?
Either way I’ll take it as a sign I should be writing more.
I have written a few things I am proud of but have not had the guts to share yet. Maybe you’ll see those pieces in the coming weeks.
For now, thank you for visiting my site. If you are visiting from Above the Law and want to read about crying in law school, read this.
As for you loyal readers, I’ll be back with more soon!