I feel defeated. I feel like someone smacked me hard across the face and laughed. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I’m trying to regain my composure but my cheek still stings from the blow.
Today I took a 100 question multiple-choice exam and only got 43 correct. As I checked off each wrong answer I thought, “there must be a mistake. I bubbled the wrong letter.” But no. I managed to score well below average.
I immediately contacted a friend that took the bar last year. She said it’s okay. Sometimes these things happen. Learn from my mistakes and move forward. I’m trying.
I ran into another friend at school. She said, “Better to mess up now.” True. All of this makes sense. I know that one terrible score does not dictate my ability to pass this exam. I know that all of these mistakes will now be seared in my memory and I can almost guarantee they won’t happen again.
But right now, this very second, I feel defeated. I want you to know this because while most of my days are good, there are bad ones too.
My face is beginning to show my stress–worry lines and breakouts. I take so many deep breaths throughout the day. Sometimes it feels like there is not enough air.
I cried for the first time too. Really cried. Not like the two times before when I cried tears of joy because I could envision myself as a lawyer.
This time I cried out of fear and frustration. I called my mom and told her I didn’t want to do anything. I cried that I couldn’t make my schedule fit everything I wanted to accomplish. I was in the middle of blubbering about not being able to go to the gym when she said, “Go. Go right now.” I hung up the phone and cried as I changed. I cried as I drove to the gym. And then I stopped. I walked in and no one said a word. Hello’s were exchanged but no one said anything about the bar exam. It was a normal Friday.
The workout that day was “bar burpees.” To complete the move you have to do a burpee and then jump over a bar that is raised off the ground. The goal is to complete as many as possible in the allotted time.
The next few weeks are like bar burpees.
It will be grueling and when I hit the ground I won’t want to get up but I will and I will make it over the bar and down again. I will push through the pain and discomfort. I will shoot for one more in each round but I will always get back up even if I fall short. And each time i will perform with more agility and strength until finally, 3-2-1 time.
Then I can let go. I can double over with relief and the full realization of the pain but I will also smile because I will know I worked as hard as I could and that alone will mean I succeeded.
Right now, this very second, I no longer feel defeated. Today multiple choice kicked my ass but that’s ok. It’s just one round and I may have hit the ground hard, I may have a bruise for a few days, but I’m getting back up and I’m ready for the next one.